.5

On the eve of today's treatment I hit the psychological skids- I announced that I was weary of being brave, positive and being such a good sport about having cancer. I had even lost my desire to accessorize creatively and was stalking the house with my bald head. I had a stomach ache and a bad attitude and was dreading today's chemo. I wanted my total health back and I wanted it now!

My family met me halfway and gave me permission to be as cranky as necessary. Poor me was the theme of the evening. The problem was that my family kept making me laugh when I was determined to be miserable. It turns out that it is almost impossible to laugh and wallow in self pity at the same time. One of my mantras in life has always been "It's not what happens to you but how you deal with it". My kids had mockingly put that phrase to music long ago and pulling no punches sang it to me last night. That was the final blow and I was forced to end this foray into negativity. Jonathan and I watched Randy Pausch's last lecture last night. Jonathan took his class while at CMU. I watched the lecture again today. If you haven't already seen it, I recommend taking a look. It's 75 minutes long, and worth every minute.

Click here to see the lecture.

I'm not sorry I had this funk. Sometimes you have to visit that dark space as a reminder of how useless it is in moving forward. It's about facing fear in the positive rather than negative spaces and knowing what cancer can and can't take away from you. I'm sure I'll be there again, but not for a while.

We used to say in the Tocci family that humor was a combat sport. Jonathan, Sam and Zoe rose to the challenge in yet another example of their resourcefulness and love.

Today I finished the first round of the new regimen. Arlene was there at 6:45 with her palpable generosity of spirit. Any remnants of last nights sadness were dissolved by her mere presence. She sat with me while I mostly slept but I loved that she was there as a constant reminder that caring relationships keep us in a positive space. I have never feel alone during chemo and that has made it so much easier to handle. Susan, my meditation coach is helping me rewrite so many narratives around disease and healing. Not that anyone would chose this path, but there is much to learn from this if you are dealt this hand and I will come through this a very different person.

So we are half way there- 5 treatments down and 5 to go. 15 actual days of chemo left and then we see where we are- which we pray will be remission. The remission party will be grand- with Frank and Deanne playing Lady of Spain on the accordion. I'm sure Ed Stein will do a roast and the rest of you can begin thinking of how best to celebrate. I can only imagine.

Thanks for taking the first half of the journey with me- and I know we are all in this for the long haul. Having you on this journey with me is such a gift.
Blessings to all
MJ