.5

On the eve of today's treatment I hit the psychological skids- I announced that I was weary of being brave, positive and being such a good sport about having cancer. I had even lost my desire to accessorize creatively and was stalking the house with my bald head. I had a stomach ache and a bad attitude and was dreading today's chemo. I wanted my total health back and I wanted it now!

My family met me halfway and gave me permission to be as cranky as necessary. Poor me was the theme of the evening. The problem was that my family kept making me laugh when I was determined to be miserable. It turns out that it is almost impossible to laugh and wallow in self pity at the same time. One of my mantras in life has always been "It's not what happens to you but how you deal with it". My kids had mockingly put that phrase to music long ago and pulling no punches sang it to me last night. That was the final blow and I was forced to end this foray into negativity. Jonathan and I watched Randy Pausch's last lecture last night. Jonathan took his class while at CMU. I watched the lecture again today. If you haven't already seen it, I recommend taking a look. It's 75 minutes long, and worth every minute.

Click here to see the lecture.

I'm not sorry I had this funk. Sometimes you have to visit that dark space as a reminder of how useless it is in moving forward. It's about facing fear in the positive rather than negative spaces and knowing what cancer can and can't take away from you. I'm sure I'll be there again, but not for a while.

We used to say in the Tocci family that humor was a combat sport. Jonathan, Sam and Zoe rose to the challenge in yet another example of their resourcefulness and love.

Today I finished the first round of the new regimen. Arlene was there at 6:45 with her palpable generosity of spirit. Any remnants of last nights sadness were dissolved by her mere presence. She sat with me while I mostly slept but I loved that she was there as a constant reminder that caring relationships keep us in a positive space. I have never feel alone during chemo and that has made it so much easier to handle. Susan, my meditation coach is helping me rewrite so many narratives around disease and healing. Not that anyone would chose this path, but there is much to learn from this if you are dealt this hand and I will come through this a very different person.

So we are half way there- 5 treatments down and 5 to go. 15 actual days of chemo left and then we see where we are- which we pray will be remission. The remission party will be grand- with Frank and Deanne playing Lady of Spain on the accordion. I'm sure Ed Stein will do a roast and the rest of you can begin thinking of how best to celebrate. I can only imagine.

Thanks for taking the first half of the journey with me- and I know we are all in this for the long haul. Having you on this journey with me is such a gift.
Blessings to all
MJ

Way better than expected

Sorry for the radio silence during the week of treatment- I was feeling good and waiting for the other shoe to drop- but it never did. Most of the worst symptoms of the cisplatin never appeared- most notably the nausea- I had a day a a half of profound fatigue (in bed for one of them) and then started recovering more strength each day and today am feeling just fine. Had some stomach discomfort (they do call this a chemo bath) but it was quite tolerable. I have one more treatment of IP taxol tomorrow and then the dreaded neulasta shot (for my white blood count) on Tuesday. The shot usually makes me pretty cranky for the next two days with joint and bone pain. I am considering more pharmaceuticals this time around since the advil hasn't been doing the trick. Then I have 12 days off til the next round. If you are keeping score, that would be one down and 5 rounds to go. We can do this!

I have my eye on a trip to Chicago on Thursday if I'm feeling up to it.....won't know until the last minute. Today is a glorious fall day- the sun radiating the colors in the trees. We are anticipating black and gold action later today.

I will be relieved to have gotten through one of these new treatment cycles so I can know what to expect and plan accordingly. The uncertainty is the hardest to deal with. All in all, the news is good and I'm declaring victory over cisplatin!

Tocci planning book signing

Today I wrote another chapter for my up coming best seller Cancer is not nearly as much fun as it's cracked up to be. Today was my first day of chemo for the new regimen but surprisingly it prompted a book chapter about the fun part of cancer- (or at least the silver lining).

First, my dear friend Denise picked me up at 7:15 a.m. to be my chemo buddy. The time flew by today thanks to her companionship; she put in a long day with grace, humor and enthusiasm for which I am very grateful.

Today's drug was one I'd already had in my usual port and tomorrow I start the IP cisplatin (the heavy stuff). Brother Tim is on duty tomorrow and he is picking me up at 6:45 for a 7:00 am appt. What would I do without him?

The Chemo nurses continue to be informative, attentive and kind. It's a reminder of the unsung heroines of the world who are doing great work, genuinely affecting people lives and not getting nearly enough credit for what they do. Meanwhile the NY Times chose to devote several pages in the Sunday paper to hate mongers- The real news is happening in the chemo room with these dedicated professionals going beyond expectations every day.

My new hospital friends continue to wish me well each time I see them. The people behind the counters give me high fives and words of support- they know my name and I know theirs. I got a hug from my rock star internist today who told me I looked great. This all makes such a difference.

Then I arrived home to two enormous surprises that knocked my socks off. Jan and Marya sent me a fresh orchid lei from Hawaii which I will wear to chemo tomorrow- What better antidote for strong drugs than this symbol of love and beauty around my neck? Thank you so much! There's more! I got a gorgeous fall (my favorite season) bouquet from niece Jax and fiance Brian with a stunning note that made me cry (which is very hard to do). I got calls, cards and emails from family and friends checking in on my status. Kristin was there for a walk and a trip to the farmer's market at the end of the day. I am overcome with gratitude.

This day of unrelenting richness inspired the chapter: Who knew cancer had such a big payoff?

The weekend in Chicago was a warm and joyful celebration of both Hannah's becoming a bat mitzvah ( with flawless and gorgeous chanting) and acknowledging the good fortune we all have as a fiercely connected family continuing to share the happiness and hardships of life as they come our way.

In a post shortly after my surgery we mentioned that it was difficult for me to take calls- that is no longer the case except when I am recovering from chemo. I do love your emails and posts but don't hesitate to call as well. Don't worry, if I'm not feeling well, I'll call you back when I'm better.

Keep those prayers rolling this week- I know that my parents are camped out in God's office "reminding" her to focus on my recovery :)

update: wore my lei to chemo- I was a big hit. Amazing how well a Steeler doorag goes with just about anything.
Much love
MJ

Tocci still strong despite Steeler's loss

I really am stronger and have more energy than I've had since my diagnosis- My CA 125 (which was once 500) is now in the 80's (We are aiming for under 30). I start a new round of treatment on Oct 11th about which I am keeping positive thoughts.

Karen came from California for the weekend for a short but wonderful visit. She said I was supposed to be sick but wasn't acting sick- I tried to fake it but she saw though me. Mimsy, Zoe, Karen and I had a fantastic girls weekend of cooking, baking and visiting.

Jonathan, Sam and Tim went away to Ohiopyle for a rejuvenating weekend of cycling and male bonding.

Ed Stein arrives from Ann Arbor for a visit tomorrow and Friday we leave for Chicago. Our spirits are good thanks to the good medical news and great company.